August 7th, 2010
I... am at a crossroads.
In about 3 weeks, I'm moving to California. I don't really know anyone there. I don't have a place to live. I don't have a car. I only sort of have a job.
I'm going for a dream - one that I've had since I was.. since forever?
I think that it started at Interlochen. The atmosphere there - I can't really replicate it, but I've always missed it. There aren't any places like it for adults, where different artists in completely different fields really worked and lived together.
If I had known about CalArts when I was in high school, I'd have been there the minute I graduated. As it stands, I can't wait to be there, be all settled in. I can't wait for the rest of my life to start.
At the same time though, I can't help but think "Holy fuck; the rest of my life is about to start." I have no car! I have no house! Have no freakin clue how to get all of my crap from New York to LA! I have no fucking clue what I'm doing! AAAAAHHHH!
so yeah. That's what's going on. Updates to follow.
January 4th, 2010
every day that I think about you, every day that I have loved you, I have been happier than any of the days that came before.
August 24th, 2009
1. Focus on work!
2. finish unpacking the apartment
3. Get shit done!
4. collect new hobbies
5. work out
6. Get more in touch with girlfriends
7. go out in the city at least twice a week
8. stop reading cosmo or any other magazines whose primary goal is "pleasing your man." Catch up on Maxim and Wired.
9. find ways to have more energy
10. When someone asks you to go do something, ask: would I have more fun sitting on my ass at home? if the answer is "no", GO DO IT!
After much deliberating, I've decided to take a hiatus from dating. Guys are wracking my brain, taking up too much of my time and effort. Yes, there is one in particular that I want, but that's clearly not happening, so it's not worth my frustration and agony. I'm going to start with 10 days and see how it goes. I'm not sure what the rules of this are, anyway. Does it count if I think about a guy in that way? Obviously if I get asked out, I have to say no. I wonder what my brain will think about if it's not thinking about guys all the time. Maybe I'll turn out to be an astro-physicist!
Today I am trying to learn not to want what I can't have. Honestly, it's kind of futile, as that which I want is wanted so badly that I can feel it at the base of my brainstem. I'm trying to figure out if it's okay to want something like that, something that belongs to someone else. Better to want this than to want what I've already lost. It hurts less, and in a different way entirely. I accept my current level of pining in exchange for the monolith of pain I've been experiencing over the past four months. I think it's a fair trade - perhaps even an upgrade. Of course in the back of my mind I know that what I want is never going to actually happen, or at least, that the chances of it happening are pretty slim.
August 22nd, 2009
I'd tell you that I
love you, but it's not my place.
so we sit, quiet.
June 25th, 2009
Lipton diet strawberry kiwi sparkling green tea.
May 31st, 2009
All of my best memories have you in them.
I don't really know how to tell you that. Every time I get the chance to talk to you, my whole being lights up, and I'm so relieved to be hearing your voice that I can't bear the thought of telling you how I really feel, and losing you - even if the sound of your voice is all I have left.
I've never had any idea of how to deal with a breakup because honestly, I've never done it before. Before you, I had only been on the receiving end of a breakup once, and it was so long ago, I don't even remember how it felt. When you told me that it was over, I felt totally helpless. I wanted, more than anything, to contest the situation, but I knew that you don't really need two people to have a breakup, and I figured that the most dignified thing for me to do was to agree, especially considering how things had been. You see, I had thought it too - a lot. I thought long and hard about it, until I had assessed every angle, about whether or not you and I should stay together, whether or not I believed we could make it. I've always thought of you in terms of the big picture, and I really believe that if two people love each other, they can get through anything. My analysis of our situation brought me to this realization - I love you so deeply and thoroughly, and you are such an integral part of me, that I couldn't imagine actually losing you. I knew that things were rough, but all relationships have their rough spots, and I believed (and still do) that we were capable of getting through it. So even if I thought the relationship was struggling, how I felt about you never wavered. And I know we were struggling - that's not really the question here. The important thing is why we were struggling. Maybe there is no important thing - maybe none of this will make a bit of difference, or maybe you'll just never speak to me again. I really hope that's not the case, but I would understand. The point of this letter, I guess, is to acknowledge that I understand what happened with us, I understand why you walked away. I can't tell you with any degree of certainty that I know how you feel about anything now, so to compensate, I have to make sure that you at least know how I feel, so that a) you understand my actions and behavior, and b) if maybe you're feeling the same way about anything, you don't think that I feel any differently about anything than I do.
I missed you every day that we were apart this year. I know that you've been busier than me, and because of the difference in the way you are on the phone and the way you are in person, I never really knew if you felt the same. So I felt like I was alone in it. And because I felt like I was alone, I had trouble dealing with everything.
I haven't been angry with you, ever. I don't want to be angry with you and I don't really feel like I have a reason to be. It's not the same as saying that I'm not hurt, but I'm not angry. How could I even be angry when I pushed you over the breaking point.
I doubted your feelings for me because most of the time they were not obvious, and occasionally or often, not even perceivable. I should have trusted you more, but before you, there had never been anyone that I actually could trust. I gave myself too freely to people who weren't worth it, and they treated me like garbage, so by the time someone who was actually worth it came along, I didn't really have the faith I needed. And when you told me about some of the things that you were doing (which for anyone else would lead to an untrustworthy situation), it made it even more difficult. How could I really believe that you loved me when you were "hanging out" with some other girl until 5am? I know that you weren't doing anything wrong, but the idea of it, even from an emotional standpoint, is kind of threatening. And I'm not accusing you of doing anything here. I'm trying to explain my pattern of thinking so that you understand why I was acting the way I was acting. I'm trying to explain so that you know that I know what I did, and why I will never do it again to you (obviously, seeing as you've made it clear that you're done with me) or anyone else.
I feel like I should explain to you why I cried sometimes when we saw each other. Or why I got upset when you had to leave earlier than I had anticipated. I was never really angry with you at all. I loved you more than I've ever loved anybody. The way I felt about you is the way that people really are supposed to feel about each other, something I believe to my core. I was hurt when it seemed like you would rather be rehearsing than with me, because I couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing with anyone, than anything I could be doing with you. I think that maybe if you had just explained to me that it didn't mean that you loved me any less, just that you had obligations, I would have understood, but following that logic, you probably did try to explain that to me and I just didn't understand, and in that case I should have listened.
I suppose that this breakup has actually been good for me in a lot of ways. It's woken me up to a lot of the things I've been neglecting to give myself, and shown me where and how I've deviated from who I wanted to be, and how to get back to being that person, or better yet - a better version of that person. I didn't realize how much of myself I had left behind in Miami, or that I had forgotten what it felt like to be truly happy. I honestly couldn't even remember until right this minute, when I was truly happy between our anniversary and the breakup, and it just came to me. That day - the one where you and I took the puppy to central park and played fetch with her. I know that it's so simple and silly, but I love being outside, I love being in a place where there are trees and grass and sun, I love walking, I love my crazy little dog, and I loved being with you. The things that we did that afternoon are the things that I do when I have a day off and really want to spoil myself - I know that by now you must really think that my idea of being spoiled is buying expensive handbags, but honestly, I would so much rather have a warm afternoon with the sky above me and good company to walk with. I've always wanted someone who I could do that with, and you were the first person who ever gave that to me. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to express how grateful I am to you for that, and I have so many other wonderful, monumental things that I am grateful to you for, but that afternoon (and all of the other afternoons that we spent walking) is something in particular that should not be overlooked.
Tonight I am writing this letter to you from Danny Wolf's house. I came back with him and Van*Gloria after the show, and it was amazing. We all hung out on his porch, played wii games, ate a ridiculous variety and amount of food. It was actually like the epitome of the college eating cycle - we had cookie dough and DiGiorno and doritos and ice cream bars. We had a mini PhotoBooth PhotoShoot, and watched something particularly funny on youtube that I had never seen before - have Danny or Luke told you about Shreds? If not, I highly recommend it - it is really something fantastic. It was a wonderful night, and I felt at home again for the first time in a while. The only thing missing was you, and you were really missed. We all talked about you a lot, and last year, and the house, bbq's and trampolines. It was kind of an affirmation - you are in way more than half of my favorite stories. You've been there for most of the best times of my life as a grown-up. You were my first great enabler of great activities - I would have never done half of the things that we did together last year without you. If you never come back, I'll miss all of the things that we did together - roller coasters, culinary adventures, and road trips. I'll miss Woody Allen movies (watching movies with you in general) and barbecued chicken. Most of all, I'll miss falling asleep next to you, and my favorite; waking up next to you. However, even if you don't come back I think that there is a real possibility that we can actually be friends after this, and if that's what we can be than I'm in. Even if we aren't together, I still love talking to you. For some reason it just makes everything seem easier. Regardless, you are one of my dearest friends, and to cut you out of my life would be to cut off a huge part of myself. I don't want to feel like I can't talk to you anymore, or like I'm less of a person because I still believe everything that I have always believed about you. Honestly, since this happened I haven't said a single foul thing about you, because I haven't got anything foul to say. I know that some people don't understand why I defend you when they say things about you that are less than stellar (especially regarding how you've treated them in rehearsals), but I'll continue to defend you for as long as they'll continue to talk. I will never believe that you are cold or unfeeling because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you're not. I really think that you bring out the best in me, even when you're not trying to, and as a result, I will always see the best in you, even if I don't make that readily apparent.
I know that this letter has been extremely lengthy and taxing, and I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I hope that it matters, or makes some difference, but with keeping the understanding of how you most likely feel about me, I am hoping in small doses (as small as I can make them), but not expecting you to go back on your decision. If you really don't want me, I'll never mention this letter, or anything mentioned within, ever again. I can't say that I won't be hurt, but I'll understand, and I'll have tried, which is more than I can say for myself thus far. I really meant it when I said that you were the love of my life.
May 10th, 2009
I made a left turn somewhere,
When I should have gone right.
It’s such a natural thing –
You’d think it would be obvious that right is right
And now I find myself at the wrong destination
Writing about where I should have gone right.
I remember the intersection exactly –
Hindsight is such a beautiful, terrible thing in that way.
And now, here I sit;
Unable to go back.
Unable to go forward.
Unable to do much of anything
Except think about where I went wrong.
February 2nd, 2009
25. My favorite music to play is music that doesn't fit into the romantic stereotypes of the flute. I like music that growls, that bites back - music with soul.
24. If I had to pick two characters from movies that I felt summed up my personality, I would choose Maude from Harold & Maude and Amelie, from.. uh... Amelie.
23. I won't bother doing anything unless I'm going to go all out with it. I figure, if you're not going to do it 100%, why bother?
22. I hate the cold *so* much. Some days, when it's below 30 degrees out, I don't even leave my apartment.
21. I know nobody is going to believe this, but I try really hard to keep my apartment clean.
20. I am absolutely obsessed with aesthetics. Obsessed. I even used the same color pallet to decorate my apartment as I did to build my wardrobe.
19. my favorite TV show right now is Californication. I like it because the characters are honest and real with each other.
18. I spend way too much time on the internet.
17. I've never met anyone like me, but I really want to. If you know anyone like me, I mean REALLY like me, please introduce us. We need each other.
16. I *love* video games. I've been a gamer since I was 2 1/2 years old and my mom got me a grey brick game boy and Super Mario Land. I still have the game boy, the cartridge, and almost every video game I've had since. Oh yeah, and I don't play video games to impress guys. That shit is for bitches.
15. My favorite time of day is in the morning, when Mochi is sleepy. She just wants to cuddle up and sleep in my arms like a teddy bear.
14. My eyes started tearing up as I was writing #13
13. The first and most meaningful thing a boy ever gave me was a lighter. It was a zippo with the logo from Furi Kuri engraved on it. I keep it with me wherever I go - it's a reminder that love is very real, infinitely worth fighting for - even when it hurts.
12. I was published in Highlights magazine when I was 7 years old. I wrote a poem about springtime and bunnies :)
11. I truly believe that what you call something is not nearly as important as what it is.
10. I wish I had more time to pursue visual art as a medium.
9. My flute is like a family heirloom. It belonged to my teacher, who I loved like a mother. The headjoint belonged to her teacher, James Galway. If I still have it when I'm old, I want it to go to a student of mine when I die. Someone who really deserves it.
8. I don't fit into a generic category of personality or style, which can be tough sometimes. I just think it's better for me to be who I am and embrace it.
7. My belief in love is so strong that it's crippling. I'll fight to the ends of the earth for it.
6. pretention drives me absolutely insane. I hate it.
5. I'm set up to get my first master's degree from NYU in December of next year.
4. I often find myself feeling alienated because people think that I have a lot of money. I don't have a lot of money - I get things on sale and when I get them full price, it's because I really, really want them.
3. Getting Mochi was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
2. I don't really ever do what I'm told. If I do something, it's because I believe in it. Not because I've been told to do it.
1. Some days I feel like I'm stuck in the wrong life. I feel like I'm almost exactly who I want to be, but everything else feels wrong - like there was some sort of cosmic swap that I wasn't aware of and now I'm in someone else's universe.